welcome

all i have are questions.
one in particular i have been asking for a while.
what to do with myself.
what should i do?
and it sounds like action.
but that is not how it feels.
it feels deeper than that.
maybe the first answer is the same as always.
get rest first.
"life is just miserable when you're tired."
but i am not miserable. i am just not in my heart.
i want to live in my heart again.
i feel so small right now and i know i am bigger.
my life is simple and sweet and i am blessed with the three most beautiful and loving souls to share it with.
i owe them more than the small me i have been recently. i want to love them more. i want to love more.
my life right now is so small without my heart being open. it's only activity without my heart.
i walk the same small paths everyday. i do the same small actions. have the same small conversations. and i know there is so much more.
if you could trace the grooves of my footsteps and thoughts you would see there simple paths and follow them. tiny figure eights around town and my house. they've worn ruts that are too deep and my tires are stuck and having trouble moving out. even in 4wd.
i want to move onto a new road. into new territory. expanding. bigger and bigger. there is so much more to me, i know it.
and i want to know it.
i want to live it.

Dara's and my song list should probably begin here. It was our family song last fall. It's an f'd up song but for some reason we were obsessed for a while. Even Kayles was into it.



Singing this one time last October, before I knew I had a little baby in my belly, was the first time I actually heard my own voice and and realized I could sing. And I saw it clearly as just the flow of energy through me and I knew I could sing anything at all if I was just open enough.

I want to be that open.