let go

this is my theme song of the day.
i feel so cliche since i am having so much trouble doing this. i want everyone to feel good and be happy now. especially you, beautiful husband.

i still can't draw the boundary between intuition and fear if what i am feeling is something undesirable. am i intuiting it or is it fear? and if it happens then did i intuit it or did i create it with my fear? that's what it's like inside of this brain. i want this distinction to become crystal clear.

i couldn't pick a version since both videos are meaningful to us ;)

LET GO - by FROU FROU   (Imogen Heap's former duet)

Discovery

Well my love , while you were giving baby tegs her bath , I discovered this and was blown away and now it reminds me of when we first met and I wanted to know everything about you and everything about you excited me , inspired me , transported me and very quickly gave me everything I ever wanted , which is you ... and I will elaborate on that , i love u and wanted to share this with you. Who are they ? I dont know other than they call themselves Atomic Tom and the youtube video explains the rest and its music of today at its best . I love the feeling I get listening to it so here it is.
PS Dinner is ready and I hope you like it!

retiring in process

i have this song in my head every time i leave grace and chamolie. it is celebratory sounding or something. yippie, i'm almost done with this forever!
i had no idea of the words or name or artist (as with the thousands of other songs in my head). in my head, the song goes "down on the corner howdy in the street when blah blah the band gonna play a happy beat" :) that is not what they are saying in the song but listen to it. i dare you to guess what they are saying without looking it up and for me i actually like my own version better.
i had to google "down on the corner in the street lyrics" i love google and lyrics and youtube. i love finding information about these thoughts i have in seconds...
songs are always telling about my current mood.
so here's the latest:

credence clearwater revival ; down on the corner

welcome

all i have are questions.
one in particular i have been asking for a while.
what to do with myself.
what should i do?
and it sounds like action.
but that is not how it feels.
it feels deeper than that.
maybe the first answer is the same as always.
get rest first.
"life is just miserable when you're tired."
but i am not miserable. i am just not in my heart.
i want to live in my heart again.
i feel so small right now and i know i am bigger.
my life is simple and sweet and i am blessed with the three most beautiful and loving souls to share it with.
i owe them more than the small me i have been recently. i want to love them more. i want to love more.
my life right now is so small without my heart being open. it's only activity without my heart.
i walk the same small paths everyday. i do the same small actions. have the same small conversations. and i know there is so much more.
if you could trace the grooves of my footsteps and thoughts you would see there simple paths and follow them. tiny figure eights around town and my house. they've worn ruts that are too deep and my tires are stuck and having trouble moving out. even in 4wd.
i want to move onto a new road. into new territory. expanding. bigger and bigger. there is so much more to me, i know it.
and i want to know it.
i want to live it.

Dara's and my song list should probably begin here. It was our family song last fall. It's an f'd up song but for some reason we were obsessed for a while. Even Kayles was into it.



Singing this one time last October, before I knew I had a little baby in my belly, was the first time I actually heard my own voice and and realized I could sing. And I saw it clearly as just the flow of energy through me and I knew I could sing anything at all if I was just open enough.

I want to be that open.